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Wednesday, April 4th, 2007

Subject:i am trying to be heroic
Time:12:38 am.
Mood: reflective.
wow i havent been on here in ages.
its strange, looking back on the last year i feel as if im still the same, but reading back on it in some ways i have grown up, become more cynical and less tolerant. a lot has changed since i last wrote.
i now live in a flat in hayes with rachel and im her legal guardian
im part time in college, but i never go in
but i did good on exams
i have a new cat called chrystabella who is 7 months old
and i moved pepper in with us too
rachel was in college but has kind of dropped out
her boyfriend tom basically lives with us
and lawrence has been staying for the last month and a bit but goes back to wales soon
i dont really know what i do with my life
i need a holiday.
i dont have the internet anymore
so i never update
and i dont think as much as i used to
i have a counsellor, who is nice, i dont know if its helping, i dont know if anything ever helps really.
on red nose day it was two years since we found out my dad had cancer.
i still really miss him, ive been dreaming about him a lot recently.
but i suppose i am kind of getting used to the fact that he isnt around.
christmas was very strange.
juan turned out worse than i even thought she was.
i dont know what else to see
i feel jumbled inside, confused, peaceful, angry, repressed.
i didnt think id remember my password for this, i will probably write again soon.
i hope everyone is well
6 more hearts - tarnished by love.

Monday, August 14th, 2006

Subject:ive been locked inside your heart shaped box X
Time:1:27 pm.
time is such a hard thing to get a grasp of, the same amount of time can seem endless or instant, varying from moment to moment.
last night i had a dream that my dad hadnt really died, and that hed gone off to war and that he came home in this tiny war plane, but in the dream he was still ill and he didnt have that long left but he was still there, and he was still himself and he didnt look ill. and even at the time i knew it was a dream, and that he was really dead, and even in the dream id seen him die but i was still so happy when i first saw him in the plane, its the happiest ive ever felt, in real life or in my dreams, so i just went along with it and let myself make the most of the dream.
i cant believe its been a month and a half since he died, it feels like it was about three days ago.
3 more hearts - tarnished by love.

Tuesday, April 18th, 2006

Subject:i just wanna break you down so badly // well i trip over everything you say
Time:8:24 pm.
sometimes i feel so squashed, claustrophobic, compressed, stressed, pressed into places i dont ever want to be but theres no escape, no one to pull me out and ive left it too long to try to save myself. .p.a.t.h.e.t.i.c. and one day i wont be able to push it all aside, one day i really will be consumed, i wont know how to be me anymore.
1 more heart - tarnished by love.

Sunday, April 9th, 2006

Subject:you're so naive, yeah
Time:4:40 pm.
as usual insanely lots and also amazingly nothing has happened since my last update. i think of a thousand entries and a million words to try and explain how im feeling whenever im not at the computer, or whenever i try and do anything besides this, but once it gets to the expression of feelings i get writers block, about myself. and now im starting to let go and i have to stop soon, i have to get ready for work, maybe thats why ive started because theres an end in sight. i feel like everythings startibng to fall apart at the edges, and i keep regluing it and trying to make it work, but it wont stick, nothing will ever work out cos its all so temporary, i can never be sure enough of anything. i need to start getting organised really, all ive done lately is worry about how im not doing anything, eat and spend money i should be saving on actual crap. last week my stepbrothers best friend died in a carcrash, and then a couple of days later my stepgrandpa died as well. i feel so bad that i cant be there for them in any way, its not so much that they need someone to talk to, just so that theyd know i was there, or to babysit the kids and stuff. but, there wasnt time or money enough for me to go, and it made me feel so, not excluded, but unnecessary. theyre all getting on with their lives so much, and i know that they think i am too, but i still feel like im limbo, waiting for something to happen. but really, nothing is going to happen, there is no fixed event, no epiphany that i can rely on. but even though logic screams that at me, a part of me is still clinging on to that, waiting for the decision to be made and taken out of my hands. pong might be coming over to live with my dad and juan...which i suppose is good for her. i dont even feel angry, i just think that its so unjust, i dont ask anything, anything of them, and i try to give so much and all i get is halfhearted attempts, and then rejection. when i mentioned to my dad that i didnt know what id do in september, because i wouldnt have anywhere to live he didnt even say i could stay there for a couple of days, like it wasnt even an option. i find it all so unfair, im always the criminal even though they know i havent done anything wrong. i dont know what will happen when rachels meant to come over, if she still wants to, because juan hates her and my dad doesnt seem that keen. which is totally selfish, i dont understand whats happened to him. when shes at work he calls me, like its a secret that we still talk, because she wouldnt approve. and when rachel is here, everyone will expect me to put my life on hold for her and look after her and entertain her and be responsible for her, and i will to an extent, but we dont live in the same house anymore, ill have two jobs and my dad wont be willing to help matters. anyway, im going to stop more and carry on my rant later.
tarnished by love.

Friday, March 3rd, 2006

Subject:some of the time the future comes right round to haunt me
Time:12:15 pm.
Mood: washed out,bleached,diluted.
today i feel pressured. i woke up and felt like i couldnt move, like i was physically being kept in place by some kind of weight pushing down on me. i cant really explain it, i used to get it a lot when i stayed off school for months and lived in my bedroom. but i really dont want to go back there, i dont have space in my life for all of that anxiety and i certainly dont want it there. ive felt it all creeping back up on me over the last few months, and felt an intense need to withdraw and all i know that i can do is try to ignore it. but what ill do when that doesnt work, i dont know. its so stupid, i dont have all the problems that someone in my position should have, soon im going to have to jump into independence and self sufficiency. but right now i just want to withdraw from the world. there isnt even anywhere i want to go, i just want to be not here, not at this part of my life, i want to fastforward past all of the uncertainty and top up somewhere with a house and a family in 15 years time without having to sift through all the crap to get there. i know its ridiculous, im young, yada yada, should want to grab life and fill up on it and float on it and get high on it like a drug, should make the most of everything. but at the moment i just feel like i cant face that, i cant push myself anymore, ive lost my way and pushing will only result on me falling over the edge. everyone else is flying and im just crawling along, barely moving. enthralled by them all, envious and curious of how they manage to do what seems so impossible to me yet to them just like second nature.
you know when you have a feeling that you just shouldnt do that, or that person isnt quite right, that something bad is going to happen. and you think, hey, maybe i have some kind of gift, maybe some special sense, maybe i shouldnt walk on that side of the road, or lend that man 10p, you feel that you know something so well that ignoring it just seems wrong and goes against all of your instincts.
right now, i feel like that but about everything. which is how i know that i dont have some special gift, i have no sense, somethings just wrong. about me. i feel wrong getting out of bed, staying in bed, everything i do is so weighed down, like my insides have been replaced by sandbags. and my fear is divided into two (yes Descartes, i believe emotions can be divided into two)and half of me is scared to keep pushing because i dont want to plummet, sinking, sinking, weighed down by all my inadequacies and insecurities. the other half is whispering that thats the only way to go, is more scared of staying still and having no choice but watching the world flash by, being graced with the occasional look of curiosity, pity, disdain, and once i become a fixture, exasperation, disappointment and annoyance because my new function will be that of a permenant reminder of what theyre desperately trying to escape.
2 more hearts - tarnished by love.

Monday, January 23rd, 2006

Subject:now i dont know what to do, i dont know what to do, and she makes me sad
Time:12:05 pm.
Mood: sick.
since updating last i have been ill ill ill with facial cellulitis(/us?) something that makes my face swell up so i look deformed, and something i had a few years ago. clarey jayme and kath were all very good and took me to hospital for my 4 times a day iv treatment and stuff, and i guess im getting better. but that isnt really why i was updating, i feel a bit like im going mad. maybe it was cos i was ill and stuff, i just got so..emotional? needy? i dont know, i just felt ways i havent felt for a while and. okay, i cant express how i feel at all, im frustrating myself. i just feel full of need, and obligations to others, like im always failing someone, and im becoming so much more needy and looking for love and affection in the wrong places and i need to calm down, stop being so highly strung. i need to fix up and become more independent. which, in honesty, i find really hard because even though i feel alone really easily, im always depending on someone, more than i realise really. i feel like ive become a bit psychopathic, like if someone lets me down even a tiny bit then thats it, i can never trust them again i hate them, but i love them, and i pick fights and i need to stop it because just because my mum and rachel left me and my dad asked me to move out it doesnt mean that i can blame people that didnt have anything to do with it. it doesnt mean that these people are obligated to me in the same way that my family are/were, and it doesnt mean that i have a right to expect anything from them. i cant keep judging people by my standards and expecting so much. i need to learn to LET GO. and try to be more self sufficient. i find it tough, i think, because i dont have a sturdy base like i used to. though clare and her mum are so welcoming and giving and it IS like my house too, ill also always know that it isnt my house, that im lucky theyre like that. i think, i really need my mum. so im avoiding talking to her because to say that to her will just upset us all. so i have to try and move along from it, to be my own base. i need to make an effort with people instead of isolating myself and expecting everything from just a few people, i need to branch out and remember who i love and show them. but i also need to stop needing so much. this is part of why im scared to go out with anyone, i have so much need that once i start needing them i dont know when id ever stop. so i need to try to stop now, to remember that all anyone really has is themselves.
tarnished by love.

Friday, January 20th, 2006

Subject:always, i wanna be with you, and make believe with you, and live in harmony harmony
Time:12:25 am.
Mood: goddamnconfusedandcrapandweak.
predictably, yes i have come crawling back to livejournal. but i have nothing to say, i feel drained, i feel hollow. everything seems so futile, im existing just to exist, waiting for a meaning that might never come. im still in denial about my dad and very scared but not as scared as i should be, mittens is missing and it breaks my heart to talk about it and write it down and think about it and see it on the page so im just looking at the keyboard. i feel like if id written down the worst things i could imagine happening to me a few years ago, i wouldnt be in a place that unlike this one. i miss my mummy and my sister so much, and it hurts and i hurt and nothing can make it ever go away .im sick of surviving to look forward to future dates, dates which i cant even enjoy once they arrive because im so busy being nervous and upset that theyre going to have to come to an end. i feel like ive pushed myself to go to college, to get jobs, to try and be happy, to not think about any of the bad stuff. i went to a counsellor, but it made everything so raw and real and horrible and i couldnt do it anymore so i didnt go back. but tonight on the way home from work at the pub i just cried on the bus. for like...no reason and a thousand reasons all at once. and i just want everything to go away, i want a break from life and from myself, im tired of failing at being anything at all. and i miss everyone and i love everyone and nothing is never enough for me and i hate it because i need to appreciate things. i feel like im waiting for something to come and fill up all my emptiness but i dont even know if it exists. i think i should have said yes when the counsellor offered me anti-depressants. even if it isnt medical and its to do with the situation and all of that all the 'youre a good person, blame everyone else' shit doesnt wash it, i dont believe it, i never will, and if somehow i tried to id just resent everyone. and i have really bad toothache and its huuurrrrrting me and im scared ill have to go to hospital again. and i have no idea where im living in september or what ill do with my life or what i want to do with my life and i feel so disconnected and unmotivated and like im an egg thrown out of a nest just waiting to smash.
7 more hearts - tarnished by love.

Monday, November 28th, 2005

Subject:to love is to be vulnerable.
Time:12:44 am.
Mood: pensive.
time has lagged again, its turned into real winter and a lot has happened. i wish that i could just paint all of my feelings out, like so that people could know my state of mind like that would somehow explain anything thats happened over the reason time. but clearly that cant happen, and im not really in an expressive mood, more thoughtful than write-it-down-y but i just thought id write so i can look back in the future (and laugh at my geekiness for saying that) and see if i can remember how i was feeling at this time. my mum came and visited, i havent done any christmas shopping, im hating work, there keep being almost tornadoes where my mum sister and all the decent steprelatives are, my dads getting iller, christmas will be shit, im getting veryy overattached to the college people, ive had tears forming for a good few weeks now and im scared of the day that they all decide to fall. at which point no doubt ill come crawling back to livejournal like i usually do in times of emotional...ness....and update all about it. but now im going to go avoid my business studies work and read some more of my fabulous book. <3
tarnished by love.

Wednesday, November 9th, 2005

Subject:time goes by so slowly for those who wait, no time to hesitate
Time:5:23 pm.
Mood: content.
someone asked me if i was bipolar the other day. and i said no, cos im not. but i have been very moody recently.
ive got a new job. i dont know if ive written about it before? and i went riiiight off it, but work wasnt too bad today so i feel a bit better. yesterday got my test back and got a high B and then spent the day in pubs and pool places with amy and various others depending on the places. and had almost no sleep but was perky this morning. and my mummys coming tomorrow!!! and i havent seen her for 11 months and im so so excited. but also scared of when she goes again. but yay yay. though i feel bad cos i have college and work and stuff and cant take time off either. and im predicted an A for philosophy. in honesty, im sure it wont happen, but it cheers me up that there seems to be some hope. it was fireworks night on saturday and we missed some but they were still prettyful. and i went to G-A-Y on friday and graham norton was clubbing there and i talked to him and he was all sweet! aww love him. and i found straight men to kiss. and the week before i was there again and i saw westlife - aww bless westlife - and sharon and kelly osborne and someone who left the exfactor and it was really fun, and the night before that i went to walkabout and embarassed myself on stage ohh dear. and today i saw emma and had a good chat to her on our break and i love her. in factim currently loving everyone dearly. although i spent waaayyy too much money last night and will have to suffer this next week as i got paid today and am already POOR. but c'est la vie....is what i say now but will soon turn into moans im sure. but im gonna go watch neighbours and do more washing and try to contact clarabella as shes disappeared from the planet. i also suck because im meant to see my dad tonight but i have chores and hes gonna see my mummy anyway so ill see him soon surely? also im meant to be going to quiz night and im totally not. oh dear. anyway, i hope that youre all okay dears <3 xoxoxoxoxox p.s. i have really bad period pains and i havent had a period since january and it hurrrrts and i dont know if im getting one or not.
1 more heart - tarnished by love.

Wednesday, October 26th, 2005

Subject:to start anew all over remove those scars from your arms to start anew all over more enlightened
Time:9:45 pm.
Mood: thoughtful.
words are so restricting, such a stressful complicated way to have to try and explain and express and justify yourself. if thoughts could just flow out like feelings and colours and pictures everything would be so much simpler. maybe.....but if you were really bad then everyone would know to stay away but maybe that isnt a bad thing. its strange how your own mind can lock up its feelings so that you dont know them, and sometimes people can tell you what you think about something, and they know, but then you never really know if you've always thought that or if they somehow made you feel like that and before your opinion was just a blank slate which theyve marked and now they own that opinion which theyve made you have without you even realising. i guess thats kind of what hypnotism is. sometimes i get scared that ive been hypnotised and nothing is really that real, because surely you wouldnt really know. and maybe all the dreams that dont make sense are you subconcious trying to make you realise the truth. i think a book i read once made me worry about that, in it a girls boyfriend hypnotised her and made her believe all these lies. and thinking can have so so many layers, infinite layers really, which i suppose is why people cant truly understand each other. i know that some people say they can, but it never lasts forever and if they were two halves of the same thing which was meant to stay together then surely they would stay together and they dont, so they cant truly understand each other. phillip pullman made me wish that we had daemons, so that our souls could touch and we could touch them and love them, and a book i cant remember the name of but was so so so so so good..something about triphids or trifids or something i think.... was about people that could talk without words and see feelings and thoughts and communicate on such a higher level, we cant really comprehend it which i think is so sad, i think that if we could it would be like being halfway psychic, which i would love to be. i thought i was for a while when i kept dreaming things and then they happened, but that was in the strange house and normal rules of life didnt really seem to always apply there, and it was a phase that ended anyway. i wish they taught that, how to be psychic, in a genuine way, not just a moneymaking scheme that didnt work. i always wanted to learn magic too, but i wanted it to be real magic, not lots of tricks which show how much its all a lie, because part of me always believed that maybe it was magic not just clever lies which make it seem so much more of a stupid pointless show, why are people so proud of how well they can lie and trick us all anyway. ive stayed in tonight but i feel kind of refreshed and liberated, my mind has a kind of cool clear quality that it hasnt had for a long time, i feel sort of floaty and thoughtful, a bit like when i was on magic mushrooms and everything seemes so clear and obvious, it was incredible and i want to say ethereal but i dont know if thats the right word. but i always feel like i weigh myself down with stuff all the time, my bag is so full of THINGS and i get attached to all of them until they feel crucial, like my jewellery, and i feel like they have some kind of special meaning, but maybe its just me trying to make more of myself, like the more things that i own the more value i'll have in the world, the more things there will be to remind me of the person that i am. sometimes i think i might just get away from it all and start my life all over again. if i ever learn how to stop caring about people and just be free spirited, i might do that. i suppose that would kind of be like what a rebirth is, kind of like life and death. i wish that things more definite so that i could divide things up better and do the things that really count when i should, instead of feeling like im always blindfolded and second guessing everything, like a rabbit in the headlights i always end up freezing and getting run over because im so busy deciding the best direction to run in that i dont move at all. its a shame im not talented enough to write a book about that, staying motionless while everything else is moving on so fast. i sometimes see those video clips on tv where the same thing has been filmed for hours and hours - i used to know the proper term but i cant remember it - and then it plays it all really fast, and sometimes i feel like i can see life like that while everyone else is so busy being the moving picture that they dont notice me until im not really sure if im there at all. especially if i have music, and people talk to me and im just out of synch, like im on some slightly different level of conciousness to them. this nonsense is getting too long now, but i havent written a properly thinking entry for so so long. i think that winter brings out this side of me somehow, like the darkening of my eyes darkens my thoughts, maybe thats what darkens my eyes in fact. in a book i read recently it was saying about how when people die they leave everything behind, all of their treasures, everything that theyve cared for for so long, and it really hit me. why do i hoard everything so much? my dad went through the phase of throwing everything away - is still kind of doing it in fact, and its something that im going to find impossible. everything just has so much possibility, potential, that i cant bear to throw it away. my mum should not have read the velveteen rabbit to me so much when i was a child. in moods like this, i feel like im drifting, so far away from everything, and i worry about what i'll do when i get thrown back into reality. i have work tomorrow - oh i have a new job, at a watch stall - and i have to learn everything and pay attention and smile and nod in the right places all day long for 12 hours and hope that everything goes alright. i will have slept by then though, so i will probably have got most of my thinking out of the way. looking back on this entry i'm a bit concerned about how scatty it all looks, i tell myself that no one ever reads this journal because then it seems like no one can judge me, because if i dont know for a FACT that theyve read it, then i wont ever know, but sometimes i worry that the people that can see this will view me differently, like because they can read my occasional thoughts they have this great insight into me, when no one will ever really have a clue, just like i wont about them. because it all comes down to words, and we're all restricted, all seperate vessels trying to communicate but just blundering clumsily because we dont speak quite the same language.
tarnished by love.

Time:2:04 am.
i had a great today, but now i feel so full up of badness, i feel like i crossed a line and pushed someone too far. i wish i hadnt, even though at the time i thought it was the best thing to do. im full of regret, i wish i hadnt. xoxo
tarnished by love.

Monday, October 24th, 2005

Subject:in two more years my sweetheart we will see another view
Time:8:50 pm.
today was my first proper day of half term and me and jayme went running - with walking breaks - in the rain, and saved a birds life. id really love if i could get all fit and healthy, and stay dedicated. i had a missed call from 'home' today which is weird as my dad normally calls from his mobile, so i hope hes okay :S
i dont really have a lot to say, obviously things have happened since i last updated but it all seems a bit irrelevant and i cant be bothered so this was actually a pointless entry. however, am still alive and will write properly and angtily soon no doubt. xoxoxoxoxox
tarnished by love.

Tuesday, October 11th, 2005

Subject:i wish i could tie you up in my shoes, make you feel unpretty too
Time:10:07 pm.
Mood: blue.
i feel really weird today. i havent done a lot over the last few days, felt hungover although im not, and been really really tired and hardly slept. everything just seems a bit........bleak. im in one of those moods where i can just see the sadness, everyone i look at has empty eyes, i feel like my heart is empty. i talked to my daddy today and then i curled up under the covers and wished i could curl up till i was inverted and my life turned into sparkles...not like die, just pause EVERYTHING for a while, so i could just be without expectations and worries and feelings or even thoughts. i sometimes wish that i was selfish in that way where i was so up myself that i didnt even really realise other people COULD think, let alone care what they could be thinking about. but then those people seem so shallow and retarded in a way where theyll never have any real feeling, so i guess i dont really feel like that.
im getting behind on my college work ALREADY which was oh-so-predictable but has still depressed me.
today i dragged amy and lucas from college to bromley which was a weird combination except that they actually have lots of things in common. i also got an odd urge to delve into my life story in the middle of The Bell and i dont think lucas knew what to do, but he seems sweet and im loving amy. i got back to clares today and misssssed her and felt like we were housemates which i know we are but awww. and jaymes on her way round which is good cos clare is sleeeeeping and i wish i was but i cant because all im doing is thinking about things that are shapeless and dont have any substance. maybe the problem is that im not busy enough and i have too much time to think, except that even when im doing stuff my mind just drifts off, i have no concentration anymore.
and im soo moody recently...i dont know if its cos my hormones or weird, or my life is being weird, or im a bitch, or what, but im not liking it.
i just saw a heartbreaking video of cats and dogs being skinned it was really sick and it made me cry and want to go on a protest.
i feel like everywhere i look is sadness, and deep down i know that there is happiness out there too and im just not seeing it because of my frame of mind, but im finding that really hard to change.
and then i look at people i know and all their suffering and bravery and wonder whats wrong with me, why do i feel the need to saturate myself in situations instead of getting myself up and out and moving on?
its rachels birthday tomorrow and i miss her and love her and couldnt afford to get her a present.
tarnished by love.

Friday, October 7th, 2005

Subject:**the plot thickens....
Time:1:11 pm.
Mood: tired.
talked to my father, chemotherapy isnt helping the tumours got bigger etc soooo hes starting new treatment on tuesday :( i wish icould actually do something to help but i know that theres nothing. am going to see him later which will be goddamn weird because ** they have a lodger staying in rachels room. juan found her, shes chinese, doing business studies (a little like me maybe??) and to top it off shes called JENNY. so not only do i have to move out because juan cant live with me and my dad wants peace, theyve moved a stranger in with my name. brr. i havent said any of the brattyness to my daddy, but i think its sad that juan can make the effort to get along with someone for money but not for love. but brushing that and my overdue work aside and moving on to vanity, i really need to get my hair cut!!! i havent had it cut in actual months and months and MONTHS cos i cant afford to. but i want to dye the underneath black with little streaks of pink and purple and blue and have that a littttle bit longer than the top which will be blondey. but im poor and cant really afford dye unless i begggg my daddy for money which will be minimal so i need to try to find tiny bottle of permenant dye....and i dont know if thats possible?i also need eyeliner,foundation,mascara, to pluck my eyebrows, and trainers! and winter clothes, in fact just new clothes cos i cant remember the last time i properly got new clothes. *sigh* and yes im perfectly aware im covering up my denial by focusing on the physical things which i might actually have some kind of control over. xoxoxoxoxoxoxox
1 more heart - tarnished by love.

Wednesday, October 5th, 2005

Subject:*when you're feeling low do you wanna call, when you're on your own does it hurt at all
Time:12:29 am.
Mood: serious.
do you ever think about me*

i miss sixth form
i miss my friends
i miss my family
i miss all the people who made my everyday life more wonderful than i appreciated
i miss vague contentment.

looking back, iwasnt happy in the days im longing for. does this mean im doomed to a life that just gives me more and more regrets?
i know all the positive thinking stuff, and im doing my best i just feel like im choking on my own forced happiness. everyone is NICE and if you said hello first theyd say hello back, theyd lend you a pen, maybe even like your hair. but theres no depth, theres no KNOWING. and i have clarey and jayme and they are wonderful and loving, and all their college people are all NICE i just feel so...hollow. like im waiting for this epiphany to hit me, but maybe the epiphany is that there isnt one coming at all and im just making a fool of myself wallowing in life hoping for some direction to spin me around and take me off this path. but right now i cant see any other paths, i cant make my own.

and besides all that, im sad at my daddy. he never calls, he doesnt care how i am, he knows i have nothing and doesnt mind as long as he has juan. he got hospital results today and i texted him and called him and he didnt reply and juan pretended that she couldnt hear me. as usual. i just feel like im ebbing away, whats the point of loving people that dont love you back, dont even waste their energy on resenting you, just dont even notice you. im like dead wood in the tree of life. (haha that is a little melodramatic i must admit, but i want to leave it there for future amusement at my self pity) and my new 'friends' at college are all nicee but im just any other person to them, a girl they see in lessons twice a week and im all loving them because thats half my lessons, and because i havent been here for a year or two like the rest of them, and im used to a 6th form where i knew and loved them all and they knew if i was sad, and cared and made me laugh and played fun games and cuddled and snuggled and cared. and i know ive led a charmed life in that department up until now, but im just finding it really hard being a nobody. and when i come back to clares all the cator people are at uni or busy with their other halves....i just feel all alone now. and bitter that I dont have this busy exciting life to be getting on with.
this all sounds ungrateful. clare knows how much i love and appreciate her, and that this isnt directed at her or her house. its more....the rest of my life. i feel like a shadow of my old life, like soon i'm going to be bleached away by the sun.

other news, went to brighton in the middle of the night last week, went cinema in bromley and saw TRAUMATISING film (wolf creek) made me cry and is still depressing me, went to liverpool thursday - sunday with jayme and clarey and saw emmmmma<3....and havent done a lot since. i now have a beautiful tinkerbell calculator to match all my college stuff. and i miss my cats so so so much i cant sleep and i just think about them and hope theyre okay and how ill miss them getting older and they wont understand and will think i dont love them anymore and i dont care if this sounds pathetic i feel like a part of me is dead without them.massive family fights, with my mum......issues with rachel....my dad doesnt give a damn and im meant to be seeing the family from norfolk at the weekend and playing happy families in my ex house with my evil stepmother who actually makes me bubble up with rage just thinking about. i feel so much more full of hate and resent, deep down in me, a softness is being squashed and crushed into nothingness, and soon ill have no goodness at all, ill just be cold and hard and hate everything. but at the moment im desperately trying to ignore it and wanting love and laughter more than ever, but i dont have people all around me that could even begin to understand, or are obligated to.

The Cranberries - When You're Gone

Hold on to love. That is what I do,
Now that I've found you.
And from above, everything's stinking,
They're not around you.

And in the night, I could be helpless
I could be lonely, sleeping without you.
And in the day, everything's complex
There's nothing simple, when I'm not around you.

But, I miss you when you're gone.
That is what I do
And it's going to carry on,
That is what I knew

Hold on to my hand,
I feel I'm sinking, sinking without you.
And to my mind, everything's stinking
Stinking without you.

And in the night, I could be helpless,
I could be lonely, sleeping without you.
And in the day, everything's complex,
There's nothing simple, when I'm not around you.

And I miss you when you're gone.
That is what I do,
And it's going to carry on,
That is what I do,

tarnished by love.

Monday, October 3rd, 2005

Time:1:50 am.
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tarnished by love.

Sunday, September 18th, 2005

Subject:shes just another girl who wants to rule the world
Time:2:57 pm.
Mood: indescribable.
so, after the longest gap ever its time to update. rachel left on the 15th of august and im still missing her very much, she told me that she'd come over and live with me if i wanted her to but i wouldnt ask that of her because i know that she wouldnt be as happy here, though i wish so much that it wasnt the case. reading festival was wonderful as ever, i got sunburnt and saw millions of bands i love though im starting to think nothing will ever beat reading 2003. i had my birthday, ive never been much of a fan of it and i missed rachel who had just left, my mummy who i havent seen for 9 months and my dad who i couldnt see in case he caught my cold though it might be the last time hes alive for my birthday. but since then ive had a joint birthday party with lucy which was very fun and i was a pirate and got very drunk with people i loved and awwww that was good. im missing my family in norfolk sooo much, i havent seen them for two months and my dad went to see them while i was on a mini break with clare and her daddy to the sea - which was also really fun. and and ive moved out of my house.....i hadnt been spending much time there anyway and then my dad basically said it would be better if i didnt live there anymore so last week i moved all my vital crap over to clares house and have settled it into the spare room and have been here since. its kind of sad that juan got her own way after all, shes wanted me out ever since shes been in the country and i wish i hadnt given in but i just couldnt take her anymore, culture difference or truly horrible person, shes still unbearable to live with. no having my kittens is breaking my heart and i miss them so much and give them lots of love whenever i see them but i hate how im always conflicted in my love for things. im also trying not to think about the fact that im not making the most of my dad and living with him, we still talk on he phone and i still visit, i was supposed to today but 'maybe itd be better' if i go tomorrow, so any gaps in our relationshp are not to do with me.
ive also started college, im doing intensive courses in business studies and philosophy and i had my first lessons last night. my business studies teacher is suicidal and trying to drag us all down with him and my philosophy class is a collection of silent unfriendly oddballs....but i have made a couple of friends, clares in my business studies class aaaand i get to see jayme and all their friends so im pretty lucky all in all.
im sadsadsad cos all the university people are leaving, most left this weekend or are going next weekend and im going to miss them all so much! and they want me to visit but money is suuchsuch a big issue at the moment that i really dont know when ill be able to so its all a bit undecided.
i could go into lots of deep meaningful stuff but really, i dont want to think about all of that right now. i just wanted to edit where my life was right now so any future entries are in context!
love. lovelovelove xoxoxox
tarnished by love.

Monday, August 8th, 2005

Subject:I'm forever black-eyed, the product of a broken home.
Time:2:51 am.
Mood: serious.
tonight, i feel black eyed. i feel my eyes widen and my gaze wander everytime im not deliberatel distracting myself. a lot has gone on over the last few months. none of the major news good, though there have been lots of good times in the last three months. so far this has been a year to grow up in. i suppose maturing is something you have no choice about, once you see your responsibilities they nag at you until you see them through.
my daddy nearly died and had to have an operation, juan has shingles so me and rachel are being nursemaids. i want to move out. i feel like im playing at grownups except its all got too serious. my other nearest and dearest are hurting vry much right now and i wish i could help them in other ways than trying to be there. still unemployed, still single. still trying to fit everything in and still failing, but still keeping some kind of blind faith that everything will be alright somehow. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
3 more hearts - tarnished by love.

Monday, July 25th, 2005

Time:12:48 pm.
Based on the lj interests lists of those who share my more unusual interests, the interests suggestion meme thinks I might be interested in
1. writing on myself score: 3
2. michael alig score: 3
3. crystal meth score: 3
4. woot score: 3
5. making collages score: 3
6. rik mayall score: 3
7. french people score: 3
8. tweakers score: 3
9. army of freshmen score: 2
10. na score: 2
11. speaking your mind score: 2
12. eskimo joe score: 2
13. breakdance vietnam score: 2
14. days like these score: 2
15. the phenomenauts score: 2
16. white lines score: 2
17. left alone score: 2
18. old cartoons score: 2
19. urbania score: 2
20. sleepless nights score: 2

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tarnished by love.

Friday, July 8th, 2005

Time:1:14 am.
Mood: concerned.
this is just a quick little entry, wanted to say that i hope everyone is safe after the bombings and that all their loved ones are too.
all of mine are as far as i know at the moment, it still doesnt seem that real.
but people are upstairs so im going to go now.
lots of love to you all xoxoxoxoxox
3 more hearts - tarnished by love.

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